He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
