dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
