Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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