im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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