My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
