Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
