Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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