Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
