After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
