he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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