I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
