Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
