i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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