literally had 100 drinks last night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
