Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
