OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
