umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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