Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
