The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
