im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize