i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
