Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
