i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
