I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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