Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
