I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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