Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
