i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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