any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
