rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize