I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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