I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
