I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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