I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
