You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
