At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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