please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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