I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize