You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
