I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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