i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
