i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
