Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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