well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
