girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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