I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
