i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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