In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
