goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
