Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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