Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
