I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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