im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
