Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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