my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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