the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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