1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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