Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize