Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
