If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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