If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
pray to the hookup gods
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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