ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
