i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
