I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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