I feel like abortions should bother me more
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
