I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
