scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
