I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
