they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I did not marry a roomba.
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