She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
